Trust

It's a small word with a big meaning. At least to me.

I have a hard time trusting people, especially upon first meeting them. I prefer to keep quiet and rely only on myself until a person has earned my trust. Once granted, it is still a very fragile thing. Kind of like a raw egg. You can hold it, it feels solid. But, if you drop the egg, it shatters, just like trust.

I have been scarred in the past when someone close to me has shattered my trust in them. Those scars are deep and even when they are several years old, still have very tender scabs that are easily knocked away.

The loss of trust has also cost some relationships along the line as well. Some are so badly broken that I don't know if the pieces can be glued back together. For some, it is too late as the other person involved has passed. Those hurt the worst. The ones that can't be fixed because I waited too long to try to get over it.

The last time that my trust in someone was shaken to the very core was the year that my daughter was born. 1993. I do not want to go into details because there is a new scab on that scar and frankly, I'm not up to ripping it off tonight. Let me just say that there are still repercussions from that year lingering even today. I have started to tentatively extend spider webs of communications/relationships from those that were even periferally (is that a word?) involved. I have kept my daughter away from most of the parties involved. I have not spoken to many of the main parties since this particular year.

However, last year, my world was yet again shattered. My cousin whom I had always considered a surrogate father passed away on Oct. 3, 2008. It has been a long year since his passing. I miss him. I have not had a real relationship with him since 1993.

I hurt. I don't know when it's going to stop. I don't know if I want it to stop. What if this is my punishment?